Why "going to the movies" is dead to me; and, oh yeah, I'm a Fantasy snob.

No, I'm not saying that I'm never going to set foot in a movie theater again; I definitely am. What I am saying is that the casual activity of "seeing what's playing" and going to the movies without having a movie and showtime carefully chosen, is over for me.

This is due to the fallout from the last time I went to the movies a week or so ago.

As Ron Popeil of Ronco fame might say when using psychological manipulation on his audience when talking about the price on one of his inane inventions:

I didn't see a horrible movie, I didn't get my car stolen, I didn't get an overpriced beverage spilled on me. There weren't technical difficulties, there weren't "kid" problems, and I didn't get solicited for gay sex in the Men's room... like you might all be thinking.

Actually, the experience itself was quite pleasant. The theater was very nice, stadium seating, the parking was free, and the screen/sound were both very good.

Obligatory backstory: As I've said previously, I live in rich whiteyville. The next town over is trying to revamp their image to get more of the old money pie. As part of this effort, they built a new mall complete with a very nice, big, new, movie theater.

I was invited to go see the C.S. Lewis/Disney version of Passion of the Christ; a.k.a. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. I was interested, but not tremendously excited.

Big Ass Aside: Bah, I shouldn't be sippin' the Haterade on the Narnia movie; but I can't help it. I did the same thing with the Lord of the Rings movies. See, I'm a big fantasy fan. I've read a lot of fantasy books. So while I'm ecstatic that fantasy has made its way into the mainstream with serious actors, real budgets, and A-List directors; and while I understand that you have to start with the classics of the genre like Tolkein and Lewis, they're just not as interesting to me as more contemporary works. So I go, I speak with my wallet and support the fantasy movement; but all the while I'm waiting for something better.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I wouldn't have those contemporary works, I wouldn't have my beloved Dungeons & Dragons (I see you snickering!) and I wouldn't be the uber-geek that I am without Tolkein and Lewis, (and Gygax for all you old school P&P RPGers that aren't reading this).

But my problem with the seminal works of fantasy lies in the fact that they were so revolutionary. While a lot of fantasy is based on universally understood myths and legends that are centuries old, like dragons and magic, some if it was actually invented by these guys. Tolkien had to explain what orcs were so the readers would have something to get their imaginations going.

Interestingly enough, this is the very same reason why I'm not reading the Harry Potter books. Rowling makes them accessible to those who have no background in Fantasy. So while she spends time explaining what a Hippogryph is, I already knew.

The books I'm used to reading have built upon those foundations of Tolkien, Lewis, et al, and have had countless permutations and complexities added over the years; which is why I'm upset if I see a dragon that's not red (or gold) breathing fire, when (insert retainer-wearing nerd voice) according to D&D lore, a black dragon, for example, spits acid instead of breathing fire. So, until they make a high-quality movie or TV series out of Weis and Hickman's fantastic DragonLance series; specifically their Chronicles and Legends trilogies, my snobby-geek ass is not going to truly be satisfied.

So, yeah, I was like, "eh, I guess I'll go" to the Narnia invite. So I went. And as I hinted at before, the movie wasn't horrible; I enjoyed it. It was a heck of a lot more violent than I thought a PG movie would be; not that I need movies to be violent for me to enjoy them, but if you're going to show that sometimes you have to fight, and there are some things worth fighting for, it should be shown realistically, and thankfully, it was. (The only movie/TV show that's allowed to have giant battles where no one really gets hurt is G.I. Joe)

So I guess directors can get away with violent and scary imagery if they can sell to the censors that it's "meant to be jarring and emotional," and well, (spoiler alert, skip to the next paragraph) if it's implied that all the things that died didn't ACTUALLY die... and all the greivously wounded people turn out fine... I guess that helps....

So why am I swearing off the casual moviegoing experience?

Two words.

Ten. Fifty.

As in, $10.50.

As in, ten dollars and fifty cents as the price of admission.

As in, approximately 60% of the price of the DVD of the movie when it comes out on Amazon.

Alright, I know I sound like the old guy who's got the little kid by the ear explaining to him for the eleventy-billionth time how he had to walk to school when he was a kid, uphill both ways, in the snow, with no feet.

But $10.50 is highway robbery. If we had to pay for parking at this place too, I would've gone ape-shit and jumped the counter; filled up one of those diabetic-shock-sized soda cups with nacho cheese, and done a paint-can-style wide-arcing fling-smear on of those enormous 10-hours-to-put-together cardboard standees.

$10.50. Those rat bastards...

And I know what you're thinking...

Piracy Shmiracy. The MPAA uses a blanket estimate of all movie downloads, and equates that to lost revenue. The truth of the matter is that a lot of people that download a movie ALSO pay to see it, and a lot of people that download a movie that DON'T pay to see it never would've paid to see it even if they couldn't download it.

But, because going out to the movies with friends is one of the few activities that will get me out of the house, I have to reach a compromise.

I have one of those Entertainment books and I'll be sending away for the discounted movie tickets.

I still might do the nacho-cheese fling though. Those punks deserve it.