Valentine Hypocrisy, De Beers Must be Destroyed, and How I Segue from Gourmet Cooking to The Empire Strikes Back

Enjoy.

This is as civil a post as I can muster on this day. I vow to not collapse in tears at my loneliness, and I will not rant ad inifinitum on the fact that Valentine's Day causes more frowns than smiles, and I'll even leave the whole commercialism conspiracy theory alone. (Well, not entirely.)

Why? Well, besides being even more self-indulgent than my usual blogging fare, well, I have to be honest. I haven't spent all my Valentine's Days alone, and on those occasions when February 14th rolled around and I did have a current cuddle companion, I relished the opportunity to put together an expressive experience to show my affection for that special someone; and while I haven't had the opportunity since I've started to make "real" money, I think that's actually a good thing.

I learned a lot about putting my heart and soul into something, and not just my wallet.

I don't talk about it all that much on here, but my kitchen kung-fu is strong. I've watched a lot of food network (There's an entry on my list of "posts to do someday" where I'll outline my man-crush on Alton Brown.) and I'm Italian, so I kind of have the culinary version of a green thumb.

Creating a very special dinner for a very special someone is probably my favorite way to show how I feel. When you know someone so well, and in some cases, almost completely, the tiniest thing can mean so much; like replacing the lemon and parsley normally used in Shrimp Scampi with lime and cilantro, or putting sun-dried tomato in the pesto instead of pine nuts.

(Geek Alert Aside) When Han Solo is captured by Boba Fett and the Empire, and is about to be frozen in carbonite and brought back to Jabba the Hut; Princess Leia feels compelled to blurt out, "I love you!" Han's line was supposed to be, "I love you too..." but Harrison Ford knew that Han wouldn't say that, even if that's what he felt, and even if that's what he meant when he said instead, "I know."

A lot of people that hear that tidbit are like, "Yeah, Han's too cool to say he loves her back." But that's not just it. Leia just isn't saying it to Han, she's also saying it to herself because she's realizing it for the first time. He's saying "I know" because he knew her so well that he knew that she loved him before she even did.

Now, I'm not saying that making up a special dinner is going to turn me into Harrison Ford (saving what could have been yet another ackwardly clumsy George Lucas love scene;) but, well, sometimes it can mean a lot more than a pair of earrings that cost ten times as much as the dinner.

You can't really get around the roses though; they're pretty necessary.

Speaking of jewelry... that brings me to the original idea for this post. When I think of the commercialism of Valentine's Day, I always think of a WIRED article I read a couple years ago. To date, it's probably my favorite article from that magazine:

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/11.09/diamond.html

I would hope that you find the article so stimulating that you need no additional encouragement, but, I'm about to comment on the article, so if you don't want to be lost, read up.

I see a few major sections of the article. And while I'm certainly geeky enough to pontificate on the potential possibilities of powerful processors based on diamond semiconductor cores, I'll leave that off, and instead focus on the whole synthetic-diamond-as-jewelry thing.

Now, I haven't done a lot of research, I've only done some preliminary searching, but all accounts that I've read point to De Beers being evil bastards. I mean, Microsoft is evil, what with their monopolistic aspirations, but they don't come close to the list of the atrocities from this article "Ten Reasons Why You Should Never Accept a Diamond Ring from Anyone, Under Any Circumstances, Even If They Really Want to Give You One" by CPE Staff Economist Liz Stanton, written on Valentine's Day 4 years ago.

Think that I had to look hard for that piece? Try googling "De Beers Cartel." There's hundreds of articles that harp on the same points. (And yes, they are a CARTEL; they artificially control supply, price, and marketing for the industry.)

So, when I read about synthetic diamonds, I was elated. Not only is there tremendous potential for lasers, semiconductors, and file storage; but there are diamonds for jewelry being made outside of De Beers' reign, where no one was hurt or killed in the process.

Everyone heard about those miners that died a few months ago; I mean, jeez, there's a story like that practically every year. Mining is dangerous business, and despite advances in technology and safety, there are still accidents on a regular basis.

Combine this with the guerilla wars in Africa and South America where many diamond deposits are discovered, and there's a lot of bloodshed, accidental and purposeful, that goes into diamonds. (Don't believe me? Want to read this article on the diamond mines in Angola? And oh yeah, De Beers is there.)

Anyways, back to the WIRED article.

"Synthetic" diamonds and natural diamonds are the SAME. Chemically, physically, they're the same. I mean sure, the Gemesis diamonds often have traces of some of the metal solvents trapped in the lattice structure, but natural diamonds often have minerals trapped in their structure as well. If you really want to go crazy with it, diamonds made the Apollo diamond way (Microwave beam -> Plasma Cloud -> Precipitation) are even MORE diamonds than natural diamonds, because that's all there is to them, they're made in a clean room, and there aren't any other rocks invited to the party.

So De Beers is trying to say that real diamonds are the only REAL symbols of love because they were made over thousands of years; not in a week.

Okay, well, I know I just got through talking about the little things meaning so much, and the idea of love being eternal and being symbolized by this hardest substance known to man forged deep in the earth for thousands of years.. well that sounds great... but for the sake of Pete, when the guy in the lab coat takes the synthetic diamond out of the growth chamber, he doesn't get shot by a warlord with an AK-47!

So you can sort of consider synthetic diamonds as the jewelry version of buying organic. Now, when you buy organic or free-range or whatever, you normally pay a premium in exchange for peace of mind, the chickens aren't cramped up, the tomatoes aren't injected with salmon genes to withstand the cold, your beef isn't steroid-laced.

But oh yeah, synthetic diamonds aren't more expensive than natural diamonds. No, they're half, or sometimes even a third, of the price of natural diamonds; which aren't rare, and aren't expensive. All that is a myth to perpetuate De Beers' silhouette-laden marketing campaign of the mysterious and mystical diamond; and to continue to allow them to charge extortionist amounts.

By the way, did you know that De Beers also strongarms jewelers into never letting someone sell back an old diamond for a reasonable price? Pretty clever to implement that kind of strategy for a commodity that stands up to time and wear so well.

(Here's a good article about De Beers and their stranglehold on the diamond industry, entitled "Have you ever tried to sell a diamond?")

So much for "a diamond is forever."

Eliminates Flakes and Wins Hearts in One Easy Step

First off, I feel that I owe you folks an explanation, nay, an apology, for not posting for a while.

At first I said explanation, but I realize that I have neither an explanation nor an excuse. I haven’t been sick or unbelievably busy or anything. I’ve just been doing other things with my free time (I’m a gamer, and World of Warcraft consumes many nights when I don’t have other plans :D) and haven’t had the creative juices flowing enough to deliver the high quality product you’ve come to know and expect from me.

Aside: Hey, at least I’m a social gamer. While I do enjoy single-player games as well from time to time, the games that consume me are the games I can play with my friends and/or compete with others online. When I play WoW, I’m usually playing with my buddies, and running a voice program called Ventrilo, so I’m simultaneously playing the game while talking to my brother upstairs, my buddy who lives 3 minutes away, my other buddy who lives in Manhattan, and my two high school friends who live in Las Vegas, all at once, like they’re right next to me, just like our characters are in the game. Very cool. It’s just another one of those moments where I just want to bow down in reverence to Isidore of Seville, patron saint of the Internet.

I guess I could blame some of my posting delinquency on the fact that the Knicks stink so bad that I’m constantly depressed after watching them tank it night after night. I can’t help myself though; I’m a fan, I have to watch and hope. (Well, technically speaking, I usually watch in fast forward on my TiVo when they’re down by 20, but I still watch, just in case they make a comeback!)

So, sorry. Consider me back in the saddle.

As this blog has somehow evolved (devolved?) into a mish-mash of self-exploration and hopeless romanticism through movies and TV Shows, I’ll not break character; I shall stick to what you’ve come to know and expect from me. This one comes from my list of “posts I should do someday.” Enjoy.

The fine folks at Proctor & Gamble, makers of Head & Shoulders, tell us in the commercial for their popular Dandruff Shampoo, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”

So, taking that idea, and applying it to cinema rather than scalp health; what’s the best movie to share with someone with whom you’re trying to get cozy for the first time?

Now, before people get all persnickety on me, let me lay down a couple of assumptions for this hypothetical situation:

1. Let’s assume that all of the choosing responsibility is handed to you willingly; so there’s no power struggle and no need to bring prospective choices before a tribunal of world leaders in Geneva.


2. Let’s also assume that there will be no issues with prejudice or previous viewings. You can make the assumption that your crush hasn’t seen the movie before and has no preconceived notions about the movie.

So, given those ground rules, I suppose it depends on your philosophy vís a vís the prospective partner. What are you trying to accomplish? What message are you trying to convey?

What’s your Head & Shoulders Movie?

For me, well, I’m projecting a little bit about myself with this movie choice, while simultaneously looking to see if there’s acceptance and/or reciprocation. I’m not looking to get in the sack that night, (though I would be interested to know what movie can pull that one off), but rather I’m looking to, after the movie ends, have one of those nights where you spend hours just talking, sharing stories, and smiling uncontrollably, while slowly coming to the realization that it’s the beginning of something very, very good.

Okay, well, maybe a little tonsil hockey nightcap… at the very end there… yeah... I think that would be kinda awesome.

That said; there’s a few “musts” for my movie choice:

1. The movie has to be funny. Not a “stupid-funny” movie that is just a one-dimensional vehicle for telling jokes, (Sorry Rob Schneider, there really needs to be some trust in place before I whip out Deuce Bigelow) but comedy and laughter is so important to me; I have too large of a silly side to not have that be part of this movie.


2. The movie has to have a love story. Now, just like the comedy thing, I’m not looking for a heart-wrenching tale with all the requisite pining, sorrow, and unfulfillment. Now, the love story is indeed the glue that holds the movie together, for sure, and so the love has to be meaningful, but let’s just say that I better not have to discreetly wipe my eyes more than once or twice. (Yeah, yeah, I’m sensitive, blah blah)


3. The movie has to have great dialogue. I’m looking for copious quick quips of quirkiness, but not sacrificing quality for quantity. I don’t need unnecessary use of big words, I don’t need iambic pentameter; I just want smart, fast-paced verbal sparring.


4. The movie has to have a twist. Whether the entire premise of the movie is the twist, or the twist comes in the plot, the presentation, or the characters; something has to be different. While I can put up with some predictability in movies, if I know what’s going to happen, it better be really entertaining or shown in a different way than I’d expect.


5. The movie has to have good music. Whether it’s from a score or a soundtrack, I’m big into music from movies. I definitely feel myself be more immersed in the movie if the music’s good. Plus, I won’t deny it; I’m a big sucker for the musical montage.


6. The movie has to have some kind of coolness factor or geek appeal to it. I mean, I’m trying to make an impression, and I want to present something accessible that this person will truly enjoy, but it’s foolish of me to completely ignore what I am at heart. I’m not looking to pull off a sexual coup with smoke and mirrors; I’m trying to let someone vicariously peer into my soul. Now, I’m smart enough not to pop in the pilot episode of Farscape, that’s going a little too far too fast, but there’s gotta be something in there that's geeky so I can gauge a reaction. (BTW, if you can tolerate sci-fi, I implore you to give Farscape a try. It died over an unfortunate money struggle between the Sci-Fi channel and the Jim Henson people, but I have all of the episodes, and while I’ve been saving the series-finale movie for a rainy day, I can say that this series… well… I better not start. Let’s just say I’ve never had a more pleasurable TV experience than I have had watching Farscape; it's really that good, and I'll be writing a post on it.)

So.

What did I come up with?

I came up with a few possibilities, but only one clear winner.

Here are three honorable mentions:

1. Pulp Fiction. It’s got the dialogue. It’s got the humor. It’s got the coolness factor. Awesome soundtrack. It definitely has the twist; I love the way QT uses chronology in his storytelling. It’s missing the love story though; this could definitely be a solid second showing choice though.


2. The Princess Bride. It’s got the dialogue. It’s definitely got the humor. It’s got the geek appeal. It even has a love story and it’s presented in a different style that qualifies as a twist. So what’s wrong with this? Well, besides the lack of good music, it’s me. I’m what’s wrong with it. I recently saw One Man Star Wars in NYC thanks to a very cool Xmas gift from my buddy, and upon leaving, I realized that with some practice and dedication, I could probably put up a pretty decent One Man Princess Bride. I have trouble making it through this movie without doing impressions, spoiling lines, and just being a dork in general.


3. Love Actually. This is definitely a solid choice, but it’s a little too much on the love stuff for me. There’s a couple predictable moments and situations where the impossible is made way too possible. But I’m all for suspension of disbelief and everything when it’s called for, and I really liked this movie; especially the “Merry Christmas Everyone” ending, but this movie just isn’t “me” enough.

Now, if I had pondered this a few years ago, Top Gun would probably make this list of honorable mentions too; but now, with Tom Cruise going totally nuts, and the fact that the movie’s coolness has somewhat faded, well, Kenny Loggins music and “You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin” just don’t cut it anymore.

There’s probably a couple more I’m missing, but I’ll not keep you waiting any longer.

My choice is Grosse Pointe Blank.

I love this movie. For me, it has everything.

First, John Cusack is a romantic lead that every guy seems to get along with. John Cusack as a professional assassin AND romantic lead. Um, yes please?

Joan Cusack and Dan Aykroyd both are amazing in supporting roles; and the bit characters (and you know I love me some bit characters) rule as well with the likes of Alan Arkin, Jeremy Piven, and Hank Azaria lending their skills.

Now, we come to Minnie Driver. While a lot of people are love-or-hate with her; I think she was perfect in this. She captures a slight immaturity and goofiness that I find so irresistibly appealing and endearing. Her “Ya cyan’t come in” line, followed by the Superman scene in her old bedroom gets me every time. She sometimes treads the same line between bubbly/cute and saccharin/annoying that Rachael “Yum-O” Ray does; but I keep finding myself watching her too, so I guess I’m okay with it.

So… GPB:

Comedy? Check.
Love Story? Check.
Great dialogue? Check.
Great Soundtrack? Check.
Twist? Check.
Coolness? Check.

Lather.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Anyone else out there want to share their Head & Shoulders movie?