Better than Summer, Donna

I've been informed that I've made it onto Cindy's link list, and as such, I might be getting more traffic on a day-to-day basis than my current readership of.. um.. Cindy.

So, have I exploited the extra traffic by consistently and reliably putting out posts that are both poignant and amusing?

No. No I haven't. But I will. In the meantime, here's a stupid SNL bit for those that who now find themselves impacted at an impossibly impetuous impatient impasse.

Crazy Lady : "Who dis?"

Impatient Man: "David Schwimmer?"

Crazy Lady : "What dis?"

Impatient Man: "The Dow Jones?"

Crazy Lady: "And what a person, place, or ting?"

Impatient Man: "...a noun?"

Crazy Lady: "Okay, put it togetha nah!"

Impatient Man: "Schwimmer... Dow... Noun?"

Crazy Lady: "Stretch it out nah!"

Impatient Man: "SchwiimmmerrDowwwNoun?"

Crazy Lady: "Das right Simma Down Nah!! You got ta Simma Down Nah!"

My Own Personal "It's a Wonderful Life" Moment

Well, huh. I guess life is worth living after all.

Your Introduction to "The Wheels of Rationalization"

Attention: This marks the first post where I’m using Blogger for Word, so there may be some differences in the look of the posts. Some of these differences will be purposeful choices, others may not. It’s a work in progress. Enjoy.

Here comes another guilty-pleasure movie post.

Now, up until this point, I have been able to analyze and somehow come up with a cockamamie path of logic to justify my enjoyment of a movie that would otherwise be dismissed as pure trash.

Unfortunately, this particular movie is proving to be an extremely difficult challenge, and I almost don’t want to find out why I really like it…

I just saw the last twenty minutes of <gulp> Just One of the Guys. Again.

I think now is the time that I must introduce the concept of “Spinning the Wheels of Rationalization.” Picture your hands grasping handles attached to either side of your head, and moving them in a circular motion perpendicular to your shoulders (think like the handles on the side of a jack-in-the-box, or, if you’re a real weirdo like me, like the handbikes from the Eliminator on American Gladiators.)

This motion is usually used to explain to someone that you are aware that you are using completely ill-conceived logic in order to explain your actions; and optionally, you can “spin the wheels” in a staggered or struggling fashion in order to more adequately communicate how silly your rationalization is.

Aside: I loved American Gladiators back in the day. In the show’s first couple of seasons, the Gladiators were Gods. Beating an American Gladiator in an event where you were on even ground (many of the events were designed to give the contender an advantage or head start) was about as likely as beating Hiroyuki Sakai (Iron Chef French) in a battle involving fish. Not Bloody Likely. Then, in Season Five, a contender named Wesley “2 Scoops” Berry exploded on the scene and shattered records with his amazing physical abilities. It was a case of the show’s greatest moment simultaneously being its downfall. To see 2 Scoops dominate the Gladiators was truly amazing, but at the same time, it made future seasons of the show much less interesting.

So, all that said, you can imagine that quite a bit of spinning is involved while trying to rationalize my enjoyment of this movie.

Just one of the Guys (hereafter referred to as JootG), if you haven’t had the, uh, privilege, stars mostly unknown actors in a story about a gal in her senior year in high school (Terry Griffith, played by Joyce Hyser) who enters an article-writing contest for a newspaper internship and her article is about her sojourn at a different high school; AS A GUY.

Yes. This is a cross-dressing movie. That’s right. To be trumped only by the infamous body-switch, the cross-dressing movie is one of the worst gimmicks from 80s movies.

She becomes a popular “guy” at the school because she’s a chick and she knows how to dress, she falls for the guy she becomes “buddies” with, she has to deflect come-ons by aggressive girls (mmkay, sluts) at the school that throw themselves at her, etc. Much comic hilarity ensues.

Why in God’s name would I find this movie not just tolerable, but in fact irresistibly entertaining?

I’m not sure. Let the wheel-spinning commence…

I guess I could say something here because despite the fact that my theater company was low-key and specialized in Improv and Sketch Comedy, I’ve done a lot of shows in my day and I do know a FEW things about “real” theater, including that Shakespeare used cross-dressing and disguises many times in his comedies. So, I suppose you could consider cross-dressing a “classic” comedic device. (*Spins wheels* …you get it now, right?)

Given that there is at least some similarity between JootG and As You Like it, if you replace Rosalind with Terry (and Orlando with Rick), I guess that lends SOME legitimacy to this; though, I haven’t seen the beginning of JootG in a long time, so I’m not sure if she initially falls in love with Rick because he beats someone in a wrestling match like Rosalind in As You Like It, so the similarities may end at the cross-dressing.

I don’t remember an early wrestling match, but I do remember several fights in the movie, and this leads me to possibly the biggest reason why I like this movie. The bit characters. I love movies with memorable bit characters, and this has one of my favorites of all time. Besides Billy Jayne, who plays Buddy, Terri’s sex-crazed virgin younger brother, and a young Sherilyn Fenn as Buddy’s eventual match, it has William Zabka in it. William Zabka, of course, was typecast in his career in the mid-80s as playing the quintessential asshole/bully character that really likes to get in fights.

Aside: I could do a whole post on my love for bit characters; but suffice it to say that it’s the bit characters that make a movie like Die Hard so much better than Under Seige. Okay, maybe the fact that Bruce Willis can act, and Steven Seagal totally can’t comes into play too… but the bit characters in Die Hard are awesome; each of them, even if they only have like 2 minutes of screen time, have their own personality and quirks. Al Leong’s character illustrates this perfectly as his only real scene is about 10 seconds when he’s getting ready for the police to break in, taking cover and stacking up ammunition for the ensuing gunfight... and he finds time to steal a couple of candy bars from the concession stand. Badass Asian dude just can't resist a Baby Ruth. Classic.

Zabka’s more famous for his (basically the same) roles in The Karate Kid movies (as Johnny), and Back to School (as Chas), but JootG has to be mentioned to make a trifecta, because a) he pretty much plays the same character in all three movies, and b) in JootG, his character actually carries around a pair of sleeveless denim gloves that he puts on when he’s going to beat someone up. I know I’m a weirdo, but that’s comic gold to me.

In another attempt to try and find a reason why I like this movie, I looked into the writing and directing credits. Lisa Gottlieb directed the movie, and there really isn’t much else that she’s done that I’m a big fan of. I never really watched Boy Meets World, and while I always considered Dream On a good series, I didn’t watch it religiously, and besides, there were like 20 directors for Dream On.

The writing credits were given to both Dennis Feldman and Jeff Franklin. Dennis Feldman, I guess, is a good sign; his credits aren’t anything amazing, but the Species movies have their fans, Real Men had James Belushi and John Ritter, decent guys, and while I don’t really like either of those movies, he did, of course, he wrote The Golden Child, which a movie that I like so much that I’ve quoted it in a post on here before.

Then there’s Jeff Franklin. He’s done a lot of TV that people will remember. Here’s a list of notables: Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, Gimme a Break, Bosom Buddies, Laverne & Shirley, and, um, Full House. Personally, I don’t remember any of it being good, but I didn’t watch enough of a lot of it to be a true judge, well, except Full House. I was too stupid to realize that I didn’t have to watch trash back then, and I’ve seen enough Michelle cutsie shit, bad Dave Coulier impressions, very special episodes, and post-shark-jump shit like Comet the Dog and Lori Loughlin as Becky, the woman that “tamed” Uncle Jesse, to know that Full House sucks ass. Don’t agree? Two words. Kimmie Gibbler. ‘Nuff said. If you didn’t want to gag her motormouth with chloroform at some point… well… well…. I bet you liked Six from Blossom too, didn’t you… and therefore, you’re beyond hope of saving.

So, I’m not really sure what I’ve realized in my exploration of this movie. There may or may not be a Shakespeare connection. I like watching Zabka be a dickhead. I like The Golden Child. I hate Full House. I think Wesley “2 Scoops” Berry is badass. I guess that’s about it.

Maybe the real reason why I watch this movie till the end whenever I see it on is a lot more common-denominator than that.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s because the last 15 minutes of the movie shows both Zabka putting his beat-em-up gloves on and getting in a fight while he’s wearing a tux and a prom king crown, which is hilarious, and also shows the “revealing” of Terri’s true gender to her crush, Rick, who, of course, doesn’t believe her, so she (ahem) has to prove it to him by showing him her boobs on the spot, which is interesting to just about every straight guy; despite the androgyny.

So, yeah. I’m a guy.

I like boobs.

A lot.

While I'm not going to apologize for being a red-blooded male, I proffer the following in an attempt to deflect possible judgments that I'm just another shallow guy.

First, I think women are unbelievable; I have a post in the works that outlines the Top X reasons why I love being a guy, and surprisingly enough, many of those reasons have to do with the fact that I'm lucky enough to NOT have to deal with a lot of the adversity women face.

Now, I'm certainly not qualified to write a post detailing a possible solution for teaching young women how to feel good about themselves and their bodies regardless of all the shitty influences in society, so someday they can stand up and object to being used as.. an object; but I think that someone should do it. The worst part is that many women who allow themselves to be objectified, even if they themselves are confident and unaffected, are in turn used to influence other, often more impressionable and less self-confident, women, and what could've been an empowered woman becomes another slave to the beauty magazine ad stereotype; who tries to liken herself to an impossible airbrushed ideal and feels like a failure when she doesn't reach the level of look only acheived by a personal makeup team.

Anyways, this really isn't my place. (I’ll worry about this more when/if I have a daughter.)

Unlike cooking (for which I have much love) and cleaning (which I don't love, but will do), which are jobs that should never have an "assumed" gender role, I think teaching women to respect themselves is a job better suited to the softer, sweeter sex. It might be because I don't exactly have my finger on the pulse of women's movements, but I can't think of an iconic woman off the top of my head who's really making it her mission to spread that kind of message.

I still hold to my belief that as long as a woman believes in herself and takes care of herself, she has it in her to bowl over men with whom society would make her believe she had no shot.

(Of course, I'd be a liar to say that I think EVERY woman can be irresistable to any man they desire, I have to be realistic; but my point is that a LOT of the ones that think they can't be powerfully attractive are wrong.)

I don't think there is a bigger turnoff to me than a woman who's fear of a spider or snake is only trumped by her fear of a sandwich or a spring roll. "I had half a lettuce wrap and three Skittles for lunch, tee hee!" Careful. I might sneeze and break you in half. I hope you're wearing your Burberry coat with packing-foam liner; you could be damaged in transit.